Fear or love?

Updated: Aug 29, 2019

“Fear or love What do you choose every time you judge based on what you believe formed by your conditionings

What do you see and what is really there?”

When I observe myself ‘mothering’ my kids 6 years ago, I saw a lot of ‘work’, I witnessed myself as an unstable being, I screamed a lot, was frustrated, could barely handle my job. I ‘abused’ them emotionally (which a lot of parents do by shouting), physically (a tap against their buttocks when I ‘lost’ myself and was not capable of being present). I was unhappy. It felt like dying inside.

Out of this space I made choices. I knew I was not at service at all to the beings around me in my current relationship and most of all not at service to myself.

We broke up.

After co-parenting (week-week) for 4 years, the father of my kids decided last year to move back to his hometown. Which made co-parenting not possible any more. Again choices had to be made. Yes I could have fought, I could have gone to the court to sew him, to ‘demand’ him to take his responsibility and keep the co-parenting.

I chose love.

I also saw a man standing up, choosing for himself instead of what the women in his life demanded. I was proud of him. Seeing him blossoming, speaking his truth more and more. Instead we kept an open communication, without planning any outcome, seeing what life wanted from us and what felt good for both of us and the kids.

From that moment on, we as adults, were challenged to meet each other beyond the pain and old memories, with a new wide open gaze. This process strengthened our love. There is much love between us when we meet, we cuddle and communicate in an open way. The children don’t see any disagreements, fights or arguments between their parents and also with my new partner there is a good communication - I don’t think many kids with divorced parents are so blessed.

In this case there were 2 options. The kids living with him or with me. He felt like giving them structure in form of a house, garden, a dog. He encouraged me to live my dream. Many times I cried in his presence sharing how I felt as a mother. I suggested him to keep the co-parenting in a different form. Me, living in his new home a few days a week, taking the kids to my place during the weekend.

He agreed.

I felt that the most gentle school shift would happen in keeping them stabilized in the same form of education, so I went with them to the Steinerschool in Aalst. A few weeks later their father told me that he didn’t agreed on what we spoke about any more. His 2 older boys wanted to live with him as well. Me being around in his house would make things too difficult for him I cried, tried to convince him, again he stayed with his decision.

So there we were. Reality changed once again, life invited us into something new.

Earlier in life, I witnessed what it is to be involved in a juridical process for many many years. The traces are still leaving marks on those involved. It was so painful for them. I consciously didn’t wanted to go there.

I chose love.

I saw and knew how everything is perfect and serves a purpose, although we might not always see what it exactly is.

Fighting instead of trusting would not serve any of us at all.

I chose love and let go.

I see my kids every two weeks a weekend. And during holidays half of the time. Sometimes it is more flexible, depending on our needs and the children’s needs or demands. They have a structured life with their father, where they are loved (very much!). And when we spend time together, they are loved as well.

By the end of this school year, their father decided to choose another school for them, which is closer to their home. Again it triggered me.

I chose love.

I see reactions of those ‘around’ me. Who speak out of their pain and worries. And I love them.

Anyways, this is just a story. Formed by ‘my’ reality. Everyone involved will see it in through their own glasses, which is perfect.

Beyond the story, the facts and figures, there is so much more we do not understand at all. Life has its own mysterious ways.

Life brings me closer and closer to my children. It might look silly, because I see them less than before. The time we spend together is so different now and still changing as we speak. So my inner journey for sure has a lot of benefits for them.

To be honest, I don't know what the future brings. Do we ever? I don't know where life will lead me. People might judge or cheer, and so it is.


Evi Maes - The Power of Feeling Deeply

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